THE WAISTLINE (Diets don’t work for me yet) By John Watts

April was the cruelest month.  In fact, it led to my final disillusionment with dieting and exercise.  Because from New Year’s Day until that point, I had tried to start resolution and follow through.

But then came the stepping stones of FOOD excuses based on Hallmark holidays.  The Super Bowl gave us enough surplus of food to last at least a week.  Valentine’s Day chocolates crippled our resolve.  Then March Madness came calling with all the same dips and chips and finger food found so plentifully at the grocery store, gaining a brand-new shelf life.

And then the Girl Scouts got in to the action and nearly sank us.

This begs the question of—When exactly, are these little girls and their ambitious parents obligated to cease and desist and leave us alone?  They’re selling season seems to stretch on further and further as it tries men’s souls.

This year I got hooked on the S’mores cookies as well as the usual shipments of Thin Mints.  Every buddy system at every suburban house and apartment in the county began caving in with negative peer pressure.  Colleagues at work couldn’t help but set up stumbling blocks.

And every time the food anniversaries come calling, my resolve fades away and becomes compromised.

Diet and exercise has let me down.  My metabolism has let me down.

Because if I’m going to really reverse this food addiction trend, I’m going to have to find a solution that fits my needs.  It can’t be drudgery.  And it must fit my schedule.

And I hate to say it but I’m just not a work out kind of guy.  I hate the perceived ULTRA competitive vibe that I pick up at the gym.  I don’t like to sweat.  Or the paranoid feeling in the gym that others are watching me utilize an exercise station incorrectly as they sense my hesitation.

And dieting never works for me either.  I am still waiting for one that is more convenient and meets my needs better.  Especially those awful pills and shake programs that ask you to remember to digest the correct amount a half hour or hour before a meal.  I can’t be bothered with it.  Not with my busy life style.

When I really think of it, I think all my erratic NON-dieting ways were all inevitable until the TIMES caught up with me and finally mankind steps up the plate and invents a more conveniently realistic way of dieting that meets my needs better.

By this I mean a NON-sweating, NON-inconveniencing product that can produce magical results without any sacrificing on my part.

Is this too much to ask?  I’ve already been ripped off by all that ridiculous metabolism game for decades now.  In other words–I eat far less than I did at 20 yet only have a flabby mid-section to show for it.

And very soon the time will be right.  What will be my new dieting plan then you ask?

Tasty gummy bear dieting pills that can be taken EASILY without even needing water, at any point of a 24-hour day.   That way I can still participate IN LIFE fully with my co-workers and family members.  I can eat meat at summer cook outs.  I can order Girl Scout Cookies in the spring.  I can take part in holiday feasts while also chipping in for weekly restaurant orders for lunch with my colleagues at work.  It’s a social bonding thing you understand.

And why will I be so free and unencumbered?

Because I can just pop those tasty gummy bear diet pills and NOT miss a beat!  I don’t have to be organized or plan our anything.

So, let the FOOD CALENDAR ROLL!

Will I feel proud?  Of course not.  Who feels proud about anything anymore in these impersonal days of not knowing what is legitimate or genuinely authored?

But as long as there is no plastic surgery and no horrific side effects, I can look and feel pretty good about myself at the beach with my shirt off some summer down the road.

Because I will be ingesting dietary gummy bears that taste great!  (try collecting all 5 flavors and cartoon shapes!)

See you at the beach!  (someday)

 

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About John Watts

I like to write transcendental community based essays and stories along with photo journalism pieces.
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